A Curious History of Sex Read online

  While Scottish folk may be calling their friends cunts, medieval people seem to have been calling their children cunts. Cunt actually turns up in a number of medieval surnames (though they are quite possibly aliases): Godwin Clawecunte (1066), Gunoka Cuntles (1219), John Fillecunt (1246) and Robert Clevecunt (1302) have all been recorded. And if the possibility of meeting Miss Gunoka Cuntles on Gropecuntelane was not an exciting enough prospect (and it should be), a Miss Bele Wydecunthe appears in a Norfolk Subsidy Roll of 1328.12 While we are on the subject of cunt monikers, in his study of humorous names, Russell Ash found a whole family of Cunts living in England in the nineteenth century: Fanny Cunt (born 1839), also her son, Richard ‘Dick’ Cunt, and her daughters, Ella Cunt and Violet Cunt.13

  John Speed, Map of Oxfordshire and the University of Oxford, 1605. Gropecuntelane is shown in blue.

  Medieval literature is similarly awash with cunts. The Proverbs of Hendyng (c.1325) contains this advice to young women: ‘Give your cunt cunningly and make (your) demands after the wedding’ (ʒeve þi cunte to cunni[n]g, and craue affetir wedding).14 The fifteenth-century Welsh poet Gwerful Mechain advised fellow poets to celebrate the ‘curtain on a fine bright cunt’ that ‘flaps in a place of greeting’.15 Medieval society was far more sexually liberated than we give them credit for, and one reason cunt wasn’t considered offensive is because sex wasn’t that offensive to them. It was certainly not a sexually liberated utopia, but neither were medieval people waddling about in chastity belts, as popular mythology would have us believe. Sex was a source of great humour, eroticism and absolutely central to married life; finding sex deeply offensive is something that came into its own during the early modern era.

  A twelfth-century sheela na gig on the church at Kilpeck, Herefordshire, England.

  Historically, the most heavily tabooed language has shifted from the blasphemous to bodily functions, and is now in a process of moving to race. Swear words that would get you into serious trouble in the Middle Ages were blasphemous ones. If you caught your soft areas in a zipper in the thirteenth century, you might cry out something like ‘God’s teeth’, ‘God’s wounds’ (Z’wounds) or ‘God’s eyes’. Cunt, by comparison, was a descriptive word and suitable for all occasions. It was not euphemistically twee, overly medicalised or humorously grotesque – cunt was cunt.

  One medieval author who dropped the C-bomb with the precision of a military drone is Geoffrey Chaucer (1343–1400). The word that Chaucer uses in The Canterbury Tales and House of Fame is not ‘cunt’ but ‘queynte’. However, the reader is left in little doubt as to what a queynte is – the Wife of Bath is quite clear:

  What eyleth yow to grucche thus and grone?

  Is it for ye wolde have my queynte allone?

  (What ails you that you grumble thus and groan?

  Is it because you’d have my cunt alone?)16

  Chaucer’s most famous cunt joke is in ‘The Miller’s Tale’, where ‘queynte’ means both knowledge and cunt (remember the root to both cunning and cunt?):

  As clerkes ben ful subtile and ful queynte,

  And prively he caughte hire by the queynte,

  And seyde, ‘Ywis, but if ich have my wille,

  For deerne love of thee, lemman, I spille.’

  (The clerk had been subtle and cunning,

  and quickly he caught her by the cunt,

  and said, ‘If I cannot have my will,

  for love of thee, darling, I will spill.’)17

  The use of ‘quaint’ as a synonym for cunt is seen in a variety of other works. In his 1598 Italian/English dictionary, John Florio uses ‘quaint’ as a synonym for cunt and defines potta as ‘a cunt, a quaint’, and a pottuta as ‘that hath a cunt, cunted, quainted’.18 The playful double meaning of ‘quaint’ turns up again in Andrew Marvell’s ‘To His Coy Mistress’:

  Thy beauty shall no more be found;

  Nor, in thy marble vault, shall sound

  My echoing song: the worms shall try

  That long preserved virginity:

  And your quaint honour turn to dust;

  And into ashes all my lust.19

  It has also been suggested that William Shakespeare’s ‘acquaint’ in his Sonnet XX (1609) is a play on ‘quaint’ and ‘cunt’. And if any man knew the comedic power of a well-placed cunt it was Shakespeare. In Act III, Scene 2 of Hamlet, the eponymous hero asks Ophelia, ‘Lady, shall I lie in your lap?’ Ophelia replies, ‘No, my lord.’ Hamlet then asks her, ‘Do you think I meant country matters?’20 When David Tennant played Hamlet, he paused on the first syllable to emphasis this: ‘Cunt-ry matters’. In Twelfth Night (Act II, Scene 5) Malvolio describes his employer’s handwriting: ‘There be her very Cs, her Us, and her Ts: and thus makes she her great Ps’ – making for a simultaneous pun on ‘cunt’ and ‘piss’.21 The immortal bard’s status as a smut peddler has been discreetly swept under the cultural rug, but his work is full of innuendo and nob gags. In 1807, a shocked Thomas Bowdler edited out all the rude jokes so women and children could safely read it, and published The Family Shakespeare (which was completely cunt free). Among the many changes made in The Family Shakespeare, Ophelia doesn’t commit suicide in Hamlet, the character of Doll Tearsheet ( a sex worker) is entirely edited out of Henry IV, and in Romeo and Juliet, Mercutio’s saucy ‘the bawdy hand of the dial is now upon the prick of noon’ was altered to read ‘the hand of the dial is now upon the point of noon’.22 This led to the addition of the word ‘bowdlerise’ to the English language, which means to remove passages of a text that are considered objectionable.

  Cunt was also used freely in the bawdy ballads of Shakespeare’s contemporaries, who felt no such compulsion to veil their cunts in double entendres. Ragionamenti della Nanna e della Antonia (1534–36) by Pietro Aretino tells readers to shun flowery euphemisms and just say cunt: ‘Speak plainly, and say fuck, cunt and cock; otherwise thou wilt be understood by nobody’.23 The Scottish play Philotus (1603) contained the lines ‘doun thy hand and graip hir cunt’.24 And the Mercurius Fumigosus (1654) celebrates ‘cunt and good company’.25 But the fact that big-name writers, such as Shakespeare and Marvell, used cunt as a saucy punchline and camouflaged it in puns and cheeky hints suggests that, by Shakespeare’s time, cunt was starting to be censored.

  It is no coincidence that it was around this time that the first laws banning sexually obscene material came into force. In Britain, the first parliamentary bill to restrain ‘books, pamphlets, ditties, songs, and other works that promote lascivious ungodly love’ was drafted by William Lambarde in 1580.26 The Licensing Act of 1662 banned the publication of any ‘heretical, seditious, schismatic or offensive books, or pamphlets wherein any doctrine of opinion shall be asserted or maintained which is contrary to Christian faith’.27 Language is a powerful tool of social control: as sex became repressed, words linking to the body became taboo. After all, how can we enjoy the sexuality of our bodies, shame free, when the very words we use to talk about them, think about them or write about them are considered obscene? Ellis Cashmore argued that cunt’s banishment to the naughty step is a result of mass sexual censure and the rise of ‘modesty’: ‘with rules came manners, and with manners came courtesy, and with courtesy came modesty, and the word “cunt” [was] referring to parts of the body that were enclosed, they were secreted away’.28 Women’s sexuality came in for particular censure and punishment, and cunt was an obvious symbol of all puritan rule sought to repress.

  By the seventeenth century cunt had acquired a shock factor, and one author who revelled in the deliciously deviant embrace of cunt was John Wilmot, Earl of Rochester (1647–1680). Rochester was an English poet and courtier of King Charles II. He was the poster boy of debauchery and sexual excess and simply dripped with ‘fuck you’. If Cromwell’s parliament had attempted to dam up sexuality, Rochester surfed to notoriety on the tidal wave of sexual repression that was unleashed when the plug was pulled on Puritan rule. Geoffrey Hughes once perfectly described Rochester as delighting in ‘a world seen
from crotch level’.29

  Wilmot’s poem ‘Advice to a Cuntmonger’ begins as follows:

  Fucksters you that would bee happy

  Have a care of Cunts that Clapp yee,

  Scape disease of evill Tarsehole,

  Gout and Fistula in Arsehole.30

  He described his attraction to a lover as ‘A touch from any part of her had done ’t, / Her hand, her foot, her very look’s a Cunt’ (1680). His 1684 play Sodom features characters such as ‘Queen Cuntigratia’ and her maid ‘Cunticula’. His ‘A Ramble in St James’s Park’ (1672) contains eight cunts as he grows increasingly jealous of his mistress’s other lovers.

  When your lewd cunt came spewing home

  Drenched with the seed of half the town,

  My dram of sperm was supped up after

  For the digestive surfeit water.

  Full gorged at another time

  With a vast meal of slime

  Which your devouring cunt had drawn

  From porters’ backs and footmen’s brawn ...31

  It’s tempting to read Rochester’s work as a celebration of sexuality, but he directs considerable anger and hatred towards cunts and their owners. In Sodom he defines cunt as ‘Love’s common nasty sink’ and claims ‘she that hath a cunt will be a whore’. His verse is full of degrading, grotesque descriptions of diseased, balding, biting, feral cunts. In ‘A Ramble in St James’s Park’, his hatred towards the women (and genitals) he desires is projected onto the other men, whom he spurns as ‘obsequious’ ‘curs’ in their hunt for cunt.

  So a proud bitch does lead about

  Of humble curs the amorous rout,

  Who most obsequiously do hunt

  The savory scent of salt-swoln cunt.32

  Image from The School of Venus, or the Ladies Delight, 1680.

  By the seventeenth century, cunt was also being used as a derogatory synecdoche for women, especially a sexual woman – in much the same way as women can be charmingly referred to as ‘pussy’ (1699) or ‘clunge’ (2008) today. In 1665, Samuel Pepys writes about a powder that should ‘make all the cunts in town run after him’, and one 1675 ballad warns that ‘Citty Cunts are dangerous sport’.33

  By the eighteenth century, cunt was regarded as an obscene and ugly word. In his Classical Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue (1785), Francis Grose defines cunt as ‘a nasty name for a nasty thing’, and instead employs the euphemism ‘the monosyllable’.34 Such modesty from a man who lists ‘Mrs Fubb’s Parlour’, ‘Buckinger’s Boot’, ‘Scut’ and a ‘Lobster Pot’ as common synonyms for ‘a woman’s commodity’. ‘Cunny’, a derivative of cunt, and ‘quim’ come into common usage in the eighteenth century. John Cleland’s 1748 bonkbuster Fanny Hill was a completely cunt-free affair, and Cleland boasted he had written it without one rude word. The annual almanac on London sex workers, Harris’s List (1757–95) also shies away from cunt, preferring instead to use ‘mossy grot’ and ‘Venus mound’.35

  But one eighteenth-century author who uses cunt precisely for its shock factor was the Marquis de Sade (1740–1814). There are ‘little cunts’, ‘frigged’ cunts, ‘open cunts’, ‘pretty cunts’, ‘infamous’ cunts, ‘bloodied’ cunts, ‘fucked’, ‘licked’ and ‘rascal’ cunts. If you shake any book by Sade, a cunt will fall out; Sade is a cunt piñata. His La Philosophie dans le Boudoir (1795) includes such cunt gems as:

  Next, I will lodge my prick in her anus; you will avail me of your ass, ’twill take the place of the cunt she had under my nose, and now you will have at it in the style she will have employed, her head now between your legs; I’ll suck your asshole as I have just sucked her cunt, you will discharge, so will I, and all the while my hand, embracing the dear sweet pretty little body of this charming novice, will go ahead to tickle her clitoris that she too may swoon from delight.36

  ‘Les charmes de Fanny exposés’ (plate VIII) from Fanny Hill, 1766.

  Sade delighted in writing the most extreme, deviant pornography and his repeated use of cunt, rather than the twee euphemisms seen in Fanny Hill, is testament to the cunt’s ascension to being regarded as the most offensive word in the Western world.

  Despite their reputation for being sexually repressed, pornography flowed beneath the upper crust of Victorian prudery like the river of slime in Ghostbusters II. There is no doubt that cunt was a thoroughly obscene word. But precisely because of this, Victorian erotica is simply groaning under the weight of cunts. Erotic novels such as The Lustful Turk (1828), The Romance of Lust (1873), Early Experiences of a Young Flagellant (1876) by Rosa Coote, Miss Bellasis Birched for Thieving (1882) by Etonensis, The Autobiography of a Flea (1887) and Venus in India (1889) by ‘Captain Charles Devereaux’ are a veritable blitzkrieg of C-bombs. The Pearl was a pornographic magazine that was published in London from 1879 to 1880, when it was closed down for publishing obscene material. Most editions contained a collection of limericks, or ‘Nursery Rhymes’, that have a lot of fun with cunt.

  There was a young man of Bombay,

  Who fashioned a cunt out of clay,

  But the heat of his prick

  Turned it into a brick,

  And chafed his foreskin away.

  There was a young lady of Hitchin,

  Who was scratching her cunt in the kitchen,

  Her father said ‘Rose, It’s the crabs, I suppose’.

  ‘You’re right pa, the buggers are itching’.37

  Lawson Tait, Diseases of Women and Abdominal Surgery, 1877.

  And it is in the nineteenth century that cunt starts to be used as a general term of abuse. The Oxford English Dictionary places the first known use of cunt as an insult at 1860: ‘And when they got to Charleston, they had to, as is wont/ Look around to find a chairman, and so they took a Cunt’.38

  Perhaps one of the most significant cunt moments in the twentieth century was the banning and subsequent obscenity trial of D. H. Lawrence’s Lady Chatterley’s Lover (1928), which contains fourteen cunts (and forty fucks). When Gerald Gould reviewed an edited version in 1932, he noted that ‘passages are necessarily omitted to which the author undoubtedly attached supreme psychological importance – importance so great, that he was willing to face obloquy and misunderstanding and censorship because of them’.39 The book caused a sensation not only because of its graphic descriptions of sex and women’s sexual pleasure, but because it uses sex to smash down class boundaries. Sex is one of the supreme levellers, and for all her titles, money and privilege, Lady Constance Chatterley has a cunt: she is a sexual being. Sexual desire and pleasure have no understanding of the class system. Lawrence uses the word cunt throughout because it is the only word that can express the yearning, primal sexuality of Constance and subvert the pretensions of a society that viewed women as sexless wives and mothers. Lawrence’s use of cunt is shocking, but also incredibly tender and passionate; for Lawrence, cunt is a truly wonderful thing. One of the pivotal scenes in the novel is where Mellors teaches Constance the difference between cunt and fuck:

  Invocation A L’amour, 1825.

  ‘Th’art good cunt, though, aren’t ter? Best bit o’ cunt left on earth. When ter likes! When tha’rt willin’!’

  ‘What is cunt?’ she said.

  ‘An’ doesn’t ter know? Cunt! It’s thee down theer; an’ what I get when I’m i’side thee, and what tha gets when I’m i’side thee; it’s a’ as it is, all on’t.’

  ‘All on’t,’ she teased. ‘Cunt! It’s like fuck then.’

  ‘Nay nay! Fuck’s only what you do. Animals fuck. But cunt’s a lot more than that. It’s thee, dost see: an’ tha’rt a lot besides an animal, aren’t ter? – even ter fuck? Cunt! Eh, that’s the beauty o’ thee, lass!’40

  Cunt: ‘that’s the beauty of thee, lass’ – I don’t think I have heard a more marvellous definition of cunt. Sadly, despite Lawrence’s best efforts and a jury that agreed a work stuffed with cunts does have artistic merit, cunt has yet to be welcomed back to polite society. James Joyce uses one cunt in Ulysses (1922) and cal
ls the Holy Land ‘the grey sunken cunt of the world’.41 (Though he freely uses cunt in his private erotic letters to his wife, Nora, whom he delightfully calls ‘fuck bird’.) The American Beat poets like the shock of the cunt. In ‘Howl’ (1956) Ginsberg writes about a ‘vision of the ultimate cunt’.42 But cunt is there to shock. Cunt didn’t make it into mainstream cinema until 1971, in Carnal Knowledge, starring Jack Nicholson and Ann-Margret. Jonathan Fuerst, Nicholson’s character, screams at Bobbie (Ann-Margret): ‘Is this an ultimatum? Answer me, you ball-busting, castrating, son of a cunt bitch!’43 The Exorcist (1973) uses ‘cunting’ as an adjective twice (i.e. ‘cunting daughter’). There is a third cunt that was cut from the final edit where the troubled Regan tells her doctor he must keep his fingers away from her cunt.44 Notice that the only cunt that was cut was the one that actually means vulva? This has been true of most cinematic uses of cunt – it is far more often used as an insult than it is to mean the genitals.

  As the twentieth century wore on, cunt settled into its role as a powerful insult. The Oxford English Dictionary did not admit cunt until the seventies. But in 2014 the OED added ‘cunty, cuntish, cunted, and cunting’ to the entry under cunt; ‘cunty’ is defined as ‘highly objectionable or unpleasant’; ‘cuntish’ means an ‘objectionable person or behaviour’; ‘cunted’ means to be drunk and ‘cunting’ is an intensifier that means ‘very much’.45 There is no doubt that cunt is a very versatile word (noun, adjective, verb), but it still shocks. In 2016, Ofcom (the regulator for UK communications) ranked swear words in order of offensiveness, and cunt came out on top.46 The British Board of Film Classification’s guidelines state that the word cunt can only be used frequently in films that are rated 18+.